I never thought that (veerrrrryy little little t) childhood trauma was part of my story. I always remember my childhood as pretty freakin' awesome; great parents, great friends, I loved school and did a million activities. I was a very happy kid, if a bit emotional sometimes.
But it turns out, in trying to unearth where my death-grip like relationship with anxiety started, I never went back far enough. I always thought it really ramped up at 17 years old which, up to a point, is true, but really it's inception point was much further back, with my earliest memories of experiencing terror at... DUN DUN DUUUUUUN...
Bed time.
I HATED bed time. I dreaded it. This huge fear of being alone at night would start to bubble up with the beginning of the routine and I would cry and fret and plead with my parents to stay with me until I fell asleep. Inevitably, I would wake up, realize I was alone, be petrified and... long story short, I slept in my parent's bed nearly every night until I was 13. (Lordy lord lord knows how they survived THAT.)
No amount of adorable night lights helped. We tried listening to music to fall asleep, lullabies, warm milk, stories... it didn't make a difference to the terror I felt at every sound in the house after the lights went out.
My mind imagined strangers coming up the stairs, stealing me away; even the 4ft journey from my door to my parent's was fraught with peril. I only felt safe, I only felt like I could relax, when I was curled up in my parent's bed, where no harm could befall me. EVEN THEN though, I remember peering at the doorway, trying to breathe so silently I would hear every creak in the floor, see every shadow in the path. I remember the scary closet I always thought I could see slowly opening.
It was constant, and I had forgotten it until recently a therapist asked me where I thought it all started, and we jumped further back than I ever considered to go.
Me and my OCD are relatively at peace now. I developed my method for Thought Monster management when I was 18 or thereabouts and have since trained my mind to identify, love and release 95% of the intrusive thoughts that occur.
Where emotions are concerned though, where death grip panic and fear bloom in my heart as I imagine horrible things even now at night, well, that's something at 31 I'm finally emotionally intelligent enough to face.
The next monster is the one I've been waltzing with my whole life, it courted me as a 6 year old at bedtime, and we've been dancing, held close together ever since.
Hello, Fear.
Hello Katherine.
So how do you stop the waltz being led by something else?
Well, first I don't think you CAN really stop it, you probably just have to get better at dancing.
Also being able to hear it first helps. Being able to really fully be present and participate in the wave of feeling crashing over you.
And that's why I'm so excited and terrified about the latest tool I have developed in my tool box and that is...
... feeling the fear.
Feelings have always been visual and multi-demensional for me. By that, I mean that they have colours, shapes, energies, and movement all on their own. They live in different parts of my body, flashing like lights or moving like snakes; curling around my heart and then settling in my belly. Grabbing my chest and moving higher and higher to my neck until I can't breathe. My body is sometimes a firework show of orange blooms, bursting and consuming from the inside out, with every explosion originating from a little idea that something isn't quite right.
The thought sparks a feeling, that I take to be the truth, and then I follow it down a rabbit hole of terror: trying to avoid it while also taking the feeling to be proof that the thing I'm scared of is real.
This has played up in every relationship I've ever had; one doubt appears and suddenly nothing can be fixed and goodbye love of my life.
Or... an idea appears around a dark hallway in my mind and I can't breathe or move in the slightest way. Bundled to my neck with a false reassurance (hi OCD) that somehow if I'm tucked in tight, no one can hurt me. If I'm wearing socks, I'm safe at night.
It's the same challenge on different days, the same problem...
...but also the same solution.
Curiousity.
I have started, when I catch myself having a big feeling (fear, panic, grief, love, disgust, anxiety) to simply... feel it. I know it sounds so basic but when you have spent the better part of 16 years running from your brain and body and what it can tail spin you into, putting up a sail in a hurricane seems like a pretty dumb idea.
Bare with me through the sailing metaphor please.
Sitting down and hoping it passes is one way, but I'm all about that personal growth, all about that unsure-but-moving-forward-anyway approach when it comes to my mental health. So now I've started to lean in when the waves hit, to follow their flow and can I just say that sometimes it is actually so... beautiful.
And more than that, it's so loving. It is so LOVING to yourself to pause in a feeling and fully feel through it. To recognize your heart is clenching and to say "oh my, this is.... this is... what is this? Oh, I know, it's grief. This is regret and grief. Oof, wow, that feels like, nausea and also longing. Wow, that's a horrible feeling but wow, it's purple almost, it feels like the colour purple and it tastes like self-loathing too. It's so many things."
It's fascinating when you start, and not every time, but sometimes it becomes fun, like watching someone paint something that makes your heart ache. It's a painting inside you that tells you what you're afraid of. I think that was about 5 metaphors in one, but I think you followed.
I can't go back in time to my 7 year old self and teach them about emotional management. But if I could (and I do often pretend I can) this is what I would say:
...
"Dearest Katherine, hello my sweet. I'm here with you and we're going to figure this out together, ok? I think you're quite afraid, and we're going to talk through it together. Want to try it with me? Awesome.
Can you describe the feeling that you're feeling right now? Tell me what it looks like, where it's living in you. Is there a colour? Is it in your stomach? Now let's talk it through... what started this? Was it an image? An idea? Something you saw on T.V.? What got you feeling this now?
I know this sounds scary, but I want you to stop running from what's scaring you. This fear in you is a feeling, not the truth, and that feeling can come and go as it pleases, would you agree? But you stay the same my love, you stay just as safe, just as loved, just as at peace even though it might rise up and distract you.
This isn't going to be easy, it's going to take a LOT of practice, but we're starting your training tonight and pretty soon you're going to be able to see the fear, let it wash over you, love it for what it is and release it before realizing how safe and loved and protected you truly are."
It's funny because even though this was written for my 7 year old self, it's really what I need to hear now. It's almost like we're the exact same in our challenges because it never went away.
That is, until we got brave and curious.
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Katherine is an actor and writer currently based in London. She writes to help others navigate their minds and challenges.
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