In Grade 10, after my knitting club had had two meetings with limited attendance, it folded into oblivion with nary a peep. With relief, I announced to my only other member that it was through.
A few weeks later, I was eating lunch with friends when my bestie brought it up in the group. It went something like this.
"I'm sad we aren't doing the knitting club anymore." (She was the second and only member.) Then, another friend piped up, "Wait, there was a knitting club? I would've joined a knitting club!"
No one knew about knitting club. The first rule of knitting club wasn't that you couldn't talk about knitting club. No, the problem with knitting club was that...
I never told anyone about it.
The idea of putting up posters around the school was paralyzing. Me? Be responsible to a group? Or worse, no one showing up?!? My fear of no one coming to knitting club was so great that I never even gave anyone a chance.
This pattern of starting something, being terrified of rejection so not fully committing has followed me in no small way since then. I started a short film, and it took 3 years to complete. I didn't launch a coaching business because my brain was on a repeat of "What right do you have?!" 24/7, EVEN THOUGH, nothing makes me happier than helping people in their careers. I never would have done half the things I've wanted to without immense family support (like moving to the UK.)
But today, this morning, I woke up and realised I was dragging my feet on marketing my Dog Walking business because I was anxious about people seeing me putting up my posters.
"What if they all get taken down?"
"What if no one calls?"
"What if no one reads them?"
I thought back to the me that was terrified to put up posters for a knitting club, because the rejection seemed like too much. And I took those thoughts, thanked them for trying to keep me safe, and I put on my shoes and started postering, in the pouring rain, with string and tape and paper a plenty, all over the neighbourhood. Proudly letting people see the work I wanted to do and the marketing materials I had designed.
And I thought... maybe I've learned something.
I've produced large scale networking events, produced theatre, publicized theatre as a freelancer, written and produced a short film, completed two degrees with honours, and still, I have to decide to remember that I'm capable, talented and worthy every day.
I've turned 30 this week, and my main resolve has been "no more half measures." And I don't mean everything has to be perfect or all at once, but every day, I would like to try to commit to my visions for my life and make it my own. I would like to believe in myself more. In the way that my friends and family who really SEE me, believe in me.
So, from one knitter to another, be bold. Put up the posters. Start the coaching business. I have proven that the questions you ask yourself actually don't change much, but maybe the answers get easier to find.
And everyone can talk about knitting club all they want.
We meet Tuesdays in Ms. Gray's class.
Bitches better stitch.
Yup.
*Since publishing, this little monkey found another client... so.... yeah. :D